Sunday, January 18, 2009
I did It.
Yesterday was the first day of only eating when I was hungry. I have to get to work, so I will write more later and hopefully today will go even better.
Friday, January 16, 2009
A Fat Girl's Quest To Like Herself Again.
This blog is more for me than for anyone else. I have a journal, but for some reason it is not enough. I think I need to feel some accountability and putting my thoughts and struggle and everything out there for all to see makes that happen in some weird way. I lie to myself constantly, and I am hoping that putting my feelings on here will help me curb that. I am also hoping that writing about what I am going thru will help me keep moving towards my goals and give me something else to do, besides eat. And in the process, I hope that I will learn to like myself again.
I have finally hit the point that I am more than disgusted with myself. I never thought that the scale would ever hit the point that it has. It makes me so angry that I have allowed myself to get to this point. I can't stand to look at myself. I avoid mirrors. I avoid my husband. I avoid family. I avoid friends. I take refuge in my truck and avoid life and all contact except phone calls, blogging and Facebook. Noone can see me doing any of those things. I hurt all the time. It is horrible. I am done.
I have been reading a book that describes me and my food obsession. I have never been able to put it all into words, but this book does. It is scary. My new attitude starts now, before I kill myself. The weight that I have put on is killing me and I can't live like this anymore.
One of the first things this book tries to teach you is to learn what it feels like to be truly hungry and only eat at that point. I have been focusing on that the last couple of days and it is hard. I am relating to everything that is said and explained by the author. He describes me in the pages. He describes what I think about most of the day and at mealtime. It is very weird to have your innermost thoughts - the ones that you thought noone knew or understood - the thoughts that made you the fat slob and disgusting person that you have come to be - articulated in a book by a stranger. Most people won't understand, but maybe a few of you will. I have realized that I eat for basically 2 reasons, and it is never (okay, very very seldom) because I am hungry. The emotional eating, I have known that I do that for a long time. The clock thing is a new one to me.
1 - Emotional - Happy, Sad, Bored - I Eat.
2 - Cause the clock says so - Today, it was 11:35 and I was in a panic because it was almost lunch and I had not eaten breakfast. I was still not hungry, but I was in a panic nonetheless.
So, beginning now, my first focus is to only eat when I am hungry. My book gives a 1 to 10 scale. One is starving/faint/shaking and Ten is Bloated/Stuffed/Extremely Uncomfortable. The goal is to eat when you are at about a 3 and stop at 7. Keep yourself out of the extreme range on either end. Get off the mindset that you have to eat because the clock says it is time. Learn what it feels like to be hungry - learn to listen to your body. I have the hardest time even writing the body, let alone saying it in regards to myself. It refer to something I hate and is disgusting to me and so the word totally repulses me. I know, I am a freak. But, I said I was going to be honest.
Tomorrow I will be back and report on my first full day of my new attitude. I am scared to death that I am going to fail. I have to think positive. I have to tell myself I am worth the effort. I have to do this for me.
Cross your fingers - Here I go!
T
I have finally hit the point that I am more than disgusted with myself. I never thought that the scale would ever hit the point that it has. It makes me so angry that I have allowed myself to get to this point. I can't stand to look at myself. I avoid mirrors. I avoid my husband. I avoid family. I avoid friends. I take refuge in my truck and avoid life and all contact except phone calls, blogging and Facebook. Noone can see me doing any of those things. I hurt all the time. It is horrible. I am done.
I have been reading a book that describes me and my food obsession. I have never been able to put it all into words, but this book does. It is scary. My new attitude starts now, before I kill myself. The weight that I have put on is killing me and I can't live like this anymore.
One of the first things this book tries to teach you is to learn what it feels like to be truly hungry and only eat at that point. I have been focusing on that the last couple of days and it is hard. I am relating to everything that is said and explained by the author. He describes me in the pages. He describes what I think about most of the day and at mealtime. It is very weird to have your innermost thoughts - the ones that you thought noone knew or understood - the thoughts that made you the fat slob and disgusting person that you have come to be - articulated in a book by a stranger. Most people won't understand, but maybe a few of you will. I have realized that I eat for basically 2 reasons, and it is never (okay, very very seldom) because I am hungry. The emotional eating, I have known that I do that for a long time. The clock thing is a new one to me.
1 - Emotional - Happy, Sad, Bored - I Eat.
2 - Cause the clock says so - Today, it was 11:35 and I was in a panic because it was almost lunch and I had not eaten breakfast. I was still not hungry, but I was in a panic nonetheless.
So, beginning now, my first focus is to only eat when I am hungry. My book gives a 1 to 10 scale. One is starving/faint/shaking and Ten is Bloated/Stuffed/Extremely Uncomfortable. The goal is to eat when you are at about a 3 and stop at 7. Keep yourself out of the extreme range on either end. Get off the mindset that you have to eat because the clock says it is time. Learn what it feels like to be hungry - learn to listen to your body. I have the hardest time even writing the body, let alone saying it in regards to myself. It refer to something I hate and is disgusting to me and so the word totally repulses me. I know, I am a freak. But, I said I was going to be honest.
Tomorrow I will be back and report on my first full day of my new attitude. I am scared to death that I am going to fail. I have to think positive. I have to tell myself I am worth the effort. I have to do this for me.
Cross your fingers - Here I go!
T
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